Humor

EVER WONDER WHY WE NEED PROTECTIVE COVENANTS?

Read "Redneck Neighbors"--click on the link to the left.

The last time you took a vacation to the Grand Canyon, it was a shallow ditch with a creek running through it.
The radiation from your monitor has burnt your shadow onto the wall.
You wake up hoping that the pain in your gut is appendicitis so you can have abdominal surgery and can miss work.
You answer your home phone using the company's name.
You dial "9" from your home phone to get an outside line.
Your accumulated vacation hours would allow you to retire 10 years early.
The vending machine asks, "Want the usual?"
You wake up in a hotel room on a business trip and have no idea where your are or why.
You don't steer your car while driving to the office because it knows the way itself.
Your computer has been upgraded twice since you took your last vacation.
You find yourself shouting, "Honey, I'm home!" when you arrive at your cubicle in the morning.
Your children put your picture on milk cartons.
You dream about your job.
You run your ID badge through the mail slot in your front door and wonder why the door doesn't open.
Antacid tablets are your primary source of nutrition.
Your cubicle is better decorated than your home.
The janitor vacuums you in the evenings.
You attempt to log in to your microwave oven.
The last message in your "Out of Office" reply says you will return on a date that occurred three years ago.
You feel your work is terribly important.

WORDS TO LIVE BY.....

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING
Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.
Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. It has an SPF factor of 5.
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable protection from a tiger attack.
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I’d love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

THE HOMEOWNERS GUIDE TO BASIC TOOLS

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

THIS MONTH'S RIDDLE
What is the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
(Look here next month for the answer)

(Last Month's Riddle: What force and strength cannot get through, I with a gentle touch can do. And many in the street would stand, were I not a friend at hand. What am I?
(ANSWER: A Key!)

DID YOU KNOW??
Every year, kids in North America spend close to a half a billion dollars on chewing gum.